Nico (vilakins) wrote,

Return of the fics I will never write (except for these bits)

Here are snippets of fics you think I will never ever write. These are the best of a frightening bunch. Some of you really painted me into a corner. :-P

For astrogirl2:
Vila gets eaten by a space monster

"We haven't heard from Vila for hours." Cally looked worried. "We ought to have given him a teleport bracelet."

"I didn't think he'd need one," said Blake defensively. "He was only pasting three more little pursuit ships on the hull. I didn't know a space monster would eat him."

"We should have put a neutron blast right down its throat!"

Avon turned to look at Cally. "And vaporise Vila? We've been over this, Cally."

"It would be better than being digested!"

The comms crackled. "Uh... Liberator?"

"VILA!" Avon tried to mask his relief. "Where have you been?"

"Where d'you think, Avon?"

"You failed to communicate."

"Look, I went to sleep, all right?" Vila sounded defensive.

Jenna leaned over the comms. "But how could you? Inside that... thing?"

"Exhausted from worry. And speaking of being exhausted, you wouldn't want to know what I've been though. Literally, I mean. Want to come and get me? Can't see a bloody thing though what's on my visor. And probably the rest of my suit."

"Yes, well." Avon grinned, safe in the knowledge that Vila couldn't see him. "That poor creature certainly expressed its opinion of you."

For lizamanynames:
Mushy Avon/Vila

Vila looked at Avon sideways. "You could at least apologise."

"What for? Shooting Blake? The fool asked for it."

"Well yeah, that too, but I meant that shuttle."

"Have you never heard the expression 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'?"

"That crappy old vid? What's that got to do with... You mean... Oh!" Vila stared at Avon, his soft brown eyes wide with wonder.

Damn, he'd given himself away. Vila however did not look as though he objected to the idea. "Don't you realise why I didn't find you? Because I couldn't bear to. I could never--" Avon stopped and looked away, overcome with emotion.

"What about what you said after, though?"

You know you are safe with me. "I meant it," Avon whispered. And ah, why hadn't Vila believed it?

"Avon?" Vila came up to him, took him by the shoulders. Avon's eyes were cold but his throat was working with emotion. "Oh, Avon." Vila lifted a hand to touch his damp cheek with his famed feather-light delicate touch.

Avon gasped and clasped Vila to him. "Oh, Vila!"

"Oh, Avon!"

"Oh, Vila! Vila!"

dot dot dot

For kerravonsen:
Liberator: the rock band

"Here we go again," muttered Avon, his hair spiked out like the legendary Young Einstein. "The band's signature song. Spare us all." The piece might be popular, but that did not make him like it. "Yaaaoooowww!" He shrieked, leaning back and making his electric guitar wail the opening chords.

The audience erupted with joy.

"We just wanna be freeeeeee!" sang Blake, flinging his wild curls about and ending on a surprisingly high note.

His line was echoed by Gan's deep, rich voice, falling to a rumble the audience (and the venue) could feel in its bones. Vila went into the famous drum salvo known as the neutron blast, and the audience roared.

"Free! Free! Freeeeee!" sang Cally and Jenna, dancing to either side, mikes in one hand, their trademark huge guns in the other. Several pairs of male undergarments and a rose landed on the stage near them.

Avon strutted in his studded black leather and thigh-high buckled boots with their enormous heels while the audience screamed and threw frilly underwear, personal comms links, ID badges, and, bizarrely, a white silk dress with a glittery lizard on the bodice. Avon was not permitted to sing. As Blake had pointed out, his talents lay elsewhere and included, besides guitar, the strut, the hip shimmy, and the devastating sneer.

The song, described as a sonic weapon by the engineers who had put in the specially strengthened stage, ended with Avon repeating his opening howl and falling to his knees with his guitar raised over his head.

The audience went wild.

"Now for my favourite bit," Gan exulted. The others made token protests but they'd never managed to stop him.

He launched himself into a pit-dive.

For jaxomsride:
Vampire Vila

"Vila!" Cally halted in the surgical unit doorway, shocked. "What are you doing?"

Vila turned, redness around his mouth and in the beaker he held. "Ummm."

"Vila!" Cally snatched the beaker. "That's blood!"

"No it's not!" Vila looked revolted. "Zen makes it up for me. Tomato sauce base with added artificial haemoglobin. I'm a vegetarian, remember?"

"Oh Vila, why?"

He looked embarrassed. "When they couldn't condition me, they tried to turn me into a mutoid. Didn't take either, but I still need this stuff every so often."

Cally frowned. "You know, I could make up something like the green liquid mutoids use."

Vila brightened. "Really? You know, that might work. Zen was never able to synthesise that stuff." He looked innocent. "You could add some adrenaline to it for my sleepiness, and some vitamins. Oh and soma to stop me wanting to bite Jenna."

For snowgrouse:
Vila gets arrested by the Guv (Gene Hunt from Life on Mars)

Vila had picked his way through three locked doors and was about to start on the safe, when he heard one of those doors, so carefully closed behind him, open. He froze, trapped. The heavy footsteps came closer (Easy to tell why they're called the plod, Vila thought distractedly), and the last door opened.

"You're nicked, sunshine." The leader held out his badge. "Grade 2 Enforcement Officer Gene Hunt."

Vila suppressed the urge to ask if that meant he didn't know who his father was, and sighed. "Silent alarm?"

"You're quick. Not quick though enough by the looks. Why'd you bother faffing about picking girlie locks when you could blow a bloody enormous hole? Much more manly."

Vila was offended. "Lacks finesse, that does."

"Finesse? Finesse?" Hunt threw out his arms and appealed to the two troopers behind him. "What's happening to the criminal classes these days? Nancy boys, the lot of them." He came over to Vila and leaned forward as Vila leaned back. "Word in your shell-like, fairy." Instead of whispering, he shouted. "Cygnus Alpha."

Vila reeled. "That's two." He shook his head to stop the ringing in it.

"Think you're funny, do you? Give over, you skiving little git. I'm the comedian here." Hunt removed the laser probe from Vila's hand. "Bloody hell, we're fancy, aren't we, Nancy? Bet they all talk about your delicate touch." He sneered. "Wouldn't be surprised if you're a wine drinker."

"Lager, actually," said Vila, correctly divining Hunt's taste. "If I can't get the whisky."

"Really?" Hunt's aggression went down a notch.

"Look, wouldn't mind a few before you take me in. Might be my last for a while."

Hunt shrugged. "Yeah, all right. I wouldn't mind a pie and a jug myself." And if the bugger thinks he can sod off during it and make me the laughing stock of the Pacification Force dinner and dance, he can think again.

Never know your luck,
thought Vila. And even if he couldn't get away from this great lout, why look a free drink or ten in the mouth?

For arenee1999:
After the events of 'Sand' Tarrant realizes that he's madly in love with Servalan and runs off to find her so they can live happily ever after

"Commissioner Sleer," said the mutoid butler. "A person with a cup to see you. He claims a prior acquaintance."

Servalan looked up. "Oh, Tarrant. I do think we can run to a decent tea service."

"I brought it to borrow some sugar in. Isn't that the traditional way to get to know the neighbours?"

"Neighbours?" Servalan raised an eyebrow.

"I've moved in next door." Tarrant gave her his most charming smile. He abandoned both the cup and the subterfuge and sank to one knee before Servalan, taking her hand. "You see, I adore you. I can't live without you. Please be my bondmate." As long as I don't have to take the name Sleer, he added to himself.

"Oh, Tarrant. How sweet. I do require a dowry though."

"Really?" Tarrant's heart gave a hopeful little leap. "Whatever you desire, you shall have."

"I did rather fancy something in white with neutron blasters, but you seem to have lost that."

Tarrant bit his lip. Scorpio was hardly a suitable replacement.

"And I would have accepted something in black, but I hear that these days Avon is approaching his use-by date." Servalan tapped the little bell on the coffee table, and the butler reappeared. "Ah, Canis. Do see this gentlemen out. Oh and give him a cup of sugar."

For van:
Vila written as the small, whiny, incompetent, useless spare part

"The pursuit ships have gone now," Dayna said scornfully. "You can come out now."

"Are you sure?" a muffled voice said from under Vila's station.

"Course I am! I blew them out of space!"

The little thief emerged, trembling.

"Oh, good," said Tarrant. You can fix my console. It exploded."

"But I might get a shock! And anyway my tool's broken," Vila whined, holding up a snapped probe. "I fell on it, and I'm probably bleeding and bruised and none of you would care, would you?"

"You make it extremely difficult," said Avon.

Tarrant leaned on Avon's station. "Tell me again. What does this spare part actually do?"

"As little as possible."

"Then why's he still on board?" Dayna grinned cruelly. "He's such a wimp, he wouldn't eat the sandwich I made him at lunch."

Vila sat up, still rubbing his ribs. "Well, it had mean red eyes glaring at me!"

"It had two stuffed olives!"

"Yes, and you put them in there just to get at me."

Avon looked at Cally, his eyebrows raised. She nodded, sadly.

Vila materialised on a Lindor street. He tossed his bracelet into a nearby bin and looked around, his face alight with pleasure and relief. "At last! I thought they'd never get rid of me!"

For crycraven:
During a recon on a jungle planet Avon gets bitten on the...

Believe me, this was the best of the three!

"What're you doing?" Vila demanded as Avon veered off the path and into the jungle. "Those things'll catch us up!"

"I will only be a minute."

Vila heard the sound of a zip and then an anguished yell followed by a blaster shot.

"Avon! What happened?"

"A snake bit me!"


"Where do you think, Vila?"

Vila's eyes widened in horror. "You'll have to suck the poison out!"

"Vila. Think for once. I can't reach. You--"

"Hang on a mo!" Vila left at a panicked run, back the way they'd come, straight towards the metal creatures pursuing them. He could hear their grating cries coming closer. He quickly tied a liana to a tree, trailed it over the path, and hid behind another tree.

"EXTERMINATE!" The lead thing moved slowly towards him, avoiding the many obstacles on the overgrown path. As it neared his tree, Vila pulled hard on the creeper, bringing it up under the eyestalk and tipping the thing over. He ran out and rolled it off the path.


"No, you won't, mate. You're cast." Vila took out his tools and began to work quickly.


"Just want your plunger." Vila detached it and ran back to Avon.

"What took you so long?"

"Had to get this." Vila held it up. "Very flexible, these things are, and they've got a lot of fine settings. Should do the trick."

Avon stepped back in horror. "NO!"
Tags: crossovers, meme - fannish, meme - fics
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